If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat