I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.