Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.