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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.