due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
fixed it
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”