GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him