How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Jurassic park gets weird
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.