Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”