I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Safety first