Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid