why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.