What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
The news
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
S/o to @funTweeters .