Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
umm…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Hell yeah 👍
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Me too
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.