I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..