ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
You Might Also Like
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”