I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”