If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Duolingo getting serious.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
jesus, what did this guy do
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.