I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
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When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Aw man, but that’s the best part
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare