Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
You Might Also Like
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.