I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby