[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?