Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
You Might Also Like
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
smh
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.