They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
crying
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
📽️movie date🎞️
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?