Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.