Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”