Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.