[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
dictator is short for richard potato
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt