burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel