me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I put the p in pants.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of