The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.