coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
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Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.