Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
You Might Also Like
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.