Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
You Might Also Like
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves