Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”