DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
kids play hide and seek like
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Happens to everyone.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.