“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
This gonna be me in 2 weeks