To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
You Might Also Like
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
getting old is fun
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Bloody internet 😳
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.