One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes