If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
#growingpains
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not