If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
You Might Also Like
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
how to exercise your calf muscles
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Encore…
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.