I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
pictures of spider-man
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.