[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing