Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
You Might Also Like
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.