LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.