This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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We found love in a hopeless place.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.