Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Gemma Correll
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”