Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*Inspirational Tweets*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?