I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
You Might Also Like
absolute chaos
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I can’t stop laughing at this