Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Catering service
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.