[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Love is always patient and kind.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
and this one
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.